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Matt Ferdinander

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My Quinquennial Update! [30 Nov 2015|12:02am]
Below was saved as a draft when I came to this page, presented verbatim:

All these goddamn fortunes from various Chinese restaurants litter my desk, und mein Handy ist tot. Perhaps I will be fortunate enough to make some ends meet, or at least match one up with the beginning I already possess. But of no worries since we will get out of it all somehow. Some key elements always come back to me. Rooms reminiscent of a refrigerator's vegetable crisper drawer. Animals outside my windows and in my ceiling und Wand. I have forgotten how to spell, type, and exert the voice. I've been secretly searching for that promised lead paint in these walls. There are teeth marks next to jizz streaks worse than Naked Lunch.

Progress is progress, and postmodernist thinking threatens to take that from me in one final jab?! Now we must reconstruct some of the deconstructed material into some fashionable presentation(s), in whatever fashion we can contrive without a foundation to rest it on. Like a floating barge we build an entire city replete with skyscrapers and homeless men, women, and dogs. Recall that a demolished structure loses the essence of what it once was, but the rubble still maintains the character of being building material nonetheless.


I have no recollection of any of that and wonder if I had been drinking too much at the time. It sounds like my home on Fairview, my favorite place I've ever lived. Now I'm again part of the floating population. I'm not on a lease and still tend to travel and end on couches here and there but never to the extent I've always wished, as some sun-baked vagabond moving from town to town. It'd be great to build a tiny home or come upon some income source that is both "steady" and "mine". As luck would have it, however, I'm just like everyone else.
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Now Hear This! [07 Dec 2010|01:32pm]
Yesterday at work I wrote this on the dry erase board:

"The Byronic hero, incapable of love, or capable of only an impossible love, suffers endlessly.

AND, as always:

Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?

All things have the potential to cripple. Fear, loss, desperation — even hope. Combined with the artificial construct of 'luck' and the American Dream, we have seen far too many sailors drown out at sea."

Don't wait for shit. People think there is endless time, and they are correct, but all the time in the universe is not afforded to you. You only have a portion.
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Fuck You, How's That For First Impressions? [30 Nov 2010|03:46am]
I hope that we can all be amazing and create something worthwhile. Just the people that remain my friends, especially ones that may read this, are either that insane or that talented to do something astonishing. What we need is constructive criticism. Who better than your friends?

"Every artist is undoubtedly pursuing his truth.... But the only people who can help the artist in his obstinate quest are those who love him, and those who, themselves lovers or creators, find in their own passion the measure of all passion, and hence know how to criticize." (Albert Camus in "The Enigma".)

There remains a pervading fear on both sides of my skull that reminds me daily just how correct Christopher Hitchens is when he discusses aging.
Wiser and older people tell you that the passions of your youth will dry up and that a more sere and autumnal condition will overtake you as maturity advances...
I feel no shame in continuing to fight for these passions.
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I Say It Out Loud But You Just Don't Care [11 Nov 2010|01:57am]
All right. I caved in and read some old entries and thought about life. One thing I have noticed is that I was very subtle in the hints I would drop from my subconscious as to who I would turn into — or at least what I have turned into at the age of 24. Before I read some of the books that "changed my life" I already thought half of their premises and theses before the reading began. So this could either mean that I was lucky to stumble upon something so agreeable or I sought out what I already knew I wanted to hear. Maybe even both of those answers would be true to some extent, or maybe there is a third one that I won't know for another six or seven years of vague blog entries.

I have been a student at Lansing Community College since the fall semester of 2006. This spring, 2011, will be my final semester. Yes, the math on that is hilarious. Five years. It is very telling of my personality to know that I stayed at a community college wandering about directionless for five years, and yet somehow I will still end up with two (2) Associate degrees in May, 2011. My transcript will show 103 credits after May, although there were only four of those credits that do not count towards either of my two degrees, one being Creative Writing and another being Wines of North America.

From what people tell me, my options for universities are endless. This does not help me narrow down my choices. One of my biggest fears would be that I am accepted to all of the schools I apply to. What then?

The past three years of sporadic entries are, believe it or not, quite true to the mindset I have held throughout said years. No. That's not true. But it is conceptually accurate in its representation of how open I have felt across that time-frame. Only once in a while, and only in meaningless notes and screeds. While I might be stepping out of the cave as of late, the blinding light still frightens me like before, but my eyes are adjusting slowly. My walls remain strong and available at any time, but it might be safe to say that during my three-year hiatus (not just talking of the blog-o-sphere, but of life) I have become wiser, happier with my self, and stronger in nearly every sense.
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"Hey There, Rainmaker..." [18 Oct 2010|05:46pm]
Do one thing you are afraid to do at least once a day. And don't waste your time dreaming big, dream huge -- and absurd. Make use of the time. The mythology of the American Dream leaves out some key elements, such as hard-work, betrayal, and the simple fact that all of the best things are free anyway. But: IT WILL BE HARD WORK. Laugh it off and get on the grind. Don't get tore up from the floor up, tear up from the foundation and bring the roof down with you. Sell everything you own and wander homeless in March. (Join me! We can start a gang!) Drink your entire brain away and maintain a 4.0 grade-point average. Start a rap group. Push your friends and loved-ones to notice their potential, and if they refuse, make the choices for them. Gear your life to success and force the world to follow. Never lose your sense of comedy and rebellion. Continuously revolt and molt and create your self. Ask for help, and help those in need. Prove people right; that you will do great things. There is no other choice. Make people say: "Finally." Rip it up and Slice faces. Hold the pieces in your palm and blow them like the spreading seeds of a dandelion clock. Pop up and annoy those who have doubted you. Here I am too, motherfucker. Mow me over and I am back. And send word on how it goes.

Your friend,
Kyle
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Everything Is On Repeat [08 Dec 2009|04:10pm]
( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )
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[05 Dec 2009|02:06am]
I should update.
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[04 Feb 2008|08:51pm]
[ mood | GAY! ]

Shit, dogs!

Looks like: Nick Noble. We had better just get our shit together and have a nice little table outside at LCC during the spring and we can yell all about our books that will shit people's minds. I'll get to working on a large sign telling all how they will wind up in hell hanging out with Satan. They love that.

Also: The world is very small.

And: I have shit my mind.

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[03 Feb 2008|01:26am]
So I was thinking, and it goes like this:

2010: Mali ...though I need some sort of French and I don't know (any).

Around 2010, before or after: Costa Rica. Spanish is easy.

2009: Either Ghana, Ireland, or whatever else happens.

*Summer: Possibly Morocco, Italy, England, Spain, France, etc. Though planning is (already) a horrendous problem.

March: Boston.

And eventually, with no date or plans:

*Renting a car and driving across South Africa.

China, and general Asian area shit.

Brazil.

*Iceland.

*Toronto.

When I was writing this in my head a few days ago it came out better than this. But some people are welcome to inquire as to what I am talking about. The * are for ones that people should be concerned with.
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[29 Jan 2008|10:39pm]
"Myths and legends die hard in America. We love them for the extra dimension they provide, the illusion of near-infinite possibility to erase the narrow confines of most men's reality. Weird heroes and mould-breaking champions exist as living proof to those who need it that the tyranny of 'the rat race' is not yet final."
- Hunter S. Thompson
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And When He Walked By I Kissed Him! [26 Jan 2008|11:01pm]
Today at work this song came on and I realized how fucking tits Jackson Browne is. Goddamn. I've had strange dreams lately too, so this was all the more amazing. Live it up!


It's been a long time since I watched these lights alone
I look around my life tonight and you are gone
I might have done something to keep you if I'd known
How unhappy you had become

While I was dreaming of you
With my heart in your hands
And I was following though
With my beautiful plans

Yeah now I'm rolling down this canyon drive
With your laughter in my head
I'm gonna have to block it out somehow to survive
cause those dreams are dead
And I'm alive

I want to go where I will never hear your name
I want to lose my sorrow and be free again
And I know I've been insane
When I think of places I could have been

But I was dreaming of you
With my heart in your hands
And I was following through
With my beautiful plans

Standing here by the highway side
Watching these trucks blow by
Inches from my face
Yeah thinking bout the time Ive wasted
And the pleasure we once tasted
Looking up and down this road
I've been here before
Can't be here no more

Yeah now I'm rolling down California five
With your laughter in my head
I'm gonna have to block it out somehow to survive
cause those dreams are dead
And I'm alive

Hey look at the way I believed in you
And loved you all these years
Now you can fill a swimming pool with all my salty tears
If youd have told me what was in your heart
But baby you lied
I thought that it would kill me
But I'm alive
Yeah, I'm alive
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Man Fuck That Shit I'm Just Sittin' At The Bar [23 Jan 2008|10:40am]
Would you rather fuck a dog and never have anyone know or have everyone think you fucked a dog though you really did not?
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So Just Think Of Me And Get Off Tonight [21 Jan 2008|01:40am]
[ mood | ring ]

And a couple hours ago I made a huge mistake by using the self-serve Keno machine and printed the same ticket four times. But then when I matched four of five numbers and won $18 on one ticket, I also did that on three others, making a grand total of $72. This was an expensive four days for me and what with free booze, discounts, lotto winnings and the like, I have managed to actually have more money than when I started. Sometimes not giving a fuck really works. Take chances. Life is bullshit and so am I.

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[18 Jan 2008|03:38pm]
But looking at a receipt that says:

13 - washington apple -- $40

was probably the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.
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Everything You Could Ever Do Is Hilarious: [12 Jan 2008|10:48pm]
Your home is where you're happy
It's not where you're not free
Your home is where you can be what you are
'Cause you were just born to be
Now they'll show you their castles
And diamonds for all to see
But they'll never show you their peace of mind
'Cause they don't know how to be free
So burn all your bridges
Leave your old life behind
You can do what you wanna do
'Cause you're strong in your mind
And anywhere you might wander
You can make that your home
And as long as you got love in your heart
You'll never be alone
Just as long as you got love in your heart
You'll never be alone
No no no
You'll never be alone
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I Made This Long On Purpose To Weed Out The Skimmers: [09 Jan 2008|11:55pm]
[ mood | absurd ]

Plans were to be wasted tonight. But I am not. But I saved money. These things happen. There are plenty of things that I never write. There are plenty of things that I never say. Hunter S. Thompson once noted that he could put around 600 people, including himself, in prison if he wrote all that he knew or had seen. This is similar to everyone, not that everyone knows as many felons has he did, but that there are some secrets that would destroy many things. Just then, as I typed that, I almost went into something like, "And let's take care of all that I know right now: ..." and just went into a list of things that no one should know. Ha. Damn. If only I had nothing to lose. But we all sit around and say nothing! Of all the mistakes I've made and watched others make, you think someone would start to learn something. But the joy of it is that there is nothing to learn.

And that is what you should have learned. There is nothing! How absurd! And how faith will ravage you, even as you watch the supporters of faith admitting that to have it you must be able to accept the absurdity and insanity of any (or all) of your propositions. How could such a deity deceive you? Ah... if only we could get past ontologies.

Pour out your heart and it still doesn't matter. But there's no reason not to.

In reading over the first 13 or 14 days of last year's (2007's) flushings I have been astounded by what I've seen. Where did I come up with these things? And the good news is: I've been crazy the whole time! And pissed, and depressed, and uncertain, and that's all I could ever ask for. I'm right on track. There is nothing to be sad about, since everything requires a certain amount of sadness and objectivity. What's the word I'm thinking here... uninvolved. But you never will look at your life as though you have nothing to do with it, and we're all pissed by that fact, so we look at everyone else's lives and tell ourselves what they should be doing. What would make them happier or how they could be a better person. Projection. Vicarious living. Wasted time. Know you're a terrible person.

Let's all say it. I'm a terrible person. Go. Do you disagree with me? Do I need to make the list? Everyone that could be reading this right now is a terrible person. I am not excluded from this list. But this is all we can do! There is nothing wrong with it anymore. Everyone is similar. Do you remember when your kindergarten teacher (or even college professor) told you that you were special? Then they'd tell another, and another, and then would eventually bust out the "everyone's special" shit. That is impossible. If everyone is special then no one is. Just like everyone is terrible, so no one is. The only reason I have any dirt on any of you is because I see you, talk to you, and do terrible things with you sometimes.

But, we all want change. Any entry you read is about change. Or porno. Or moving away. Or jobs. Or money. Or nostalgia. Let's quit quitting and start starting. You can easily say, "I'm going to change" and still change nothing. It is not until you have done so and look back and say "I have changed" that it means anything at all. Show something before you claim it. Let's all be shell fish. Selfish?

You can only do what you do. So do it. "Always push the envelope as far as you possibly can, and it will either be really crazy or hilarious." A good enough way to live life. Readers alike, you all get one chance, but it doesn't matter which way you go. You could do this or that, and in the end it won't matter anyway. Go with it. Oh, and

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[08 Jan 2008|09:05pm]
This is my love song... It goes like this (a few excerpts):

...We used to mix Hen' with Bacardi Dark
And when it, kicks in you can hardly talk
And by the, sixth gin you're gonna probably crawl
And you'll be, sick then and you'll probably barf
And my pre-diction is you're gonna probably fall
Either somewhere in the lobby or the hallway wall
And everything's spinning
You're beginin' to think women
are swimming in pink linen again in the sink
Then in a couple of minutes that bottle of Guinness is finished
You are now allowed to officially slap bitches...

...17 years later I'm as rude as JUDE
Scheming on the first chick with the hugest boobs
I've got no game
And every face looks the same
They got no name
So I don't need game to play
I just say whatever I want to whoever I want
Whenever I want, wherever I want, however I want...

...Gettin' sentimental as fuck spillin' guts to you
We just met
But I think I'm in love with you
But you're on it too
So you tell me you love me too
Wake up in the morning like "yo, what the fuck we do?"
I gotta go bitch
You know I've got stuff to do
'Cause if I get caught cheatin' then I'm stuck with you...

...That's the sound of a bottle when it's hollow
When you swallow it all wollow and drown in your sorrow
And tomorrow you're probably going to want to do it again
What's a little spinal fluid between you and a friend? Screw it
And what's a little bit of alcohol poisoning?
And what's a little fight?
Tomorrow you'll be boys again
It's your life
Live it however you wanna...

...It don't matter as long as you get where you're going
'Cause none of the shit is going to mean shit where we're going
They tell you to stop, but you just sit there ignoring
Even though you wake up feeling like shit every morning
But you're young
You've got a lot of drugs to do
Girls to screw
Parties to crash
Sucks to be you
If I could take it all back now, I wouldn't
I would have did more shit that people said that I shouldn't...

...But I've still got a lot of growing up to do
I've still got a whole lot of throwing up to spew...
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[04 Jan 2008|11:38am]
CDs:

$1:
Har Mar Superstar - "You Can Feel Me"
Counting Crows - "This Desert Life"
Primus - "Pork Soda"
The Bloodhound Gang - "Hooray For Boobies"
Korn - "Issues"
System Of A Down - "Toxicity"

$2:
Team America World Police soundtrack
Tenacious D in The Pick Of Destiny soundtrack
Bad Religion - "The Process of Belief"
Rise Against - "The Unraveling"
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters Colon The Soundtrack

More to come later. Let's get rid of these first. Hopefully...
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Yo, This Is A Lesson In Friendship... [01 Jan 2008|04:43am]
[ mood | nervous ]

I thought I fixed my sleep, even though it didn't really work and now it's 4:43am and I know I'll stay up too late. I'm experiencing a bit of a drunk leftovers, if you will, so I would like to wait for that to go away before I decide to sleep. But then I will have the same problem again the next week, and my mind and sleep will never work out a system together. They just don't get along, and should never date. Casual fucking is okay though.

I have come to the conclusion that the world is fucked up. It's not even so much that I'm going crazy anymore, but that I realized I SHOULD go crazy, since none of the bullshit of the world makes sense. Though, it's a great time.

No Bar Tour in '08. Not sure it's possible since I have some plans to go to bars already in a couple months, but still possible to cut back like whoa. I actually have not went to the bar since... well, yesterday, but my mom bought me one beer and I didn't go to the bar before that since the day after Christmas. And I honestly don't remember before that. At least a week. So, I feel good, and have actually saved some money. (That is the plan, how crazy!)

Well, to the four people that still read livejournal: happy new year. Happy new shit, whatever it may be. Too many will continue to repeat the past mistakes and too many will continue to... ha. No, I shouldn't even say that.

Drama is loved by all. I have bridges to burn but choose not to do so tonight. I'll touch dicks instead.

Fuck school and life and whatever else. Nervous doesn't begin to describe it, and it's over nothing. And some things. So I guess I'm... ha. Man! A public journal! Who thought of this?

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You'll Never Eat Me Alive [26 Dec 2007|07:04am]
[ mood | touched ]

A little more than twelve hours ago (6:15pm) I got out of bed. It was an interesting fiasco as this girl was unhooking the cable from my TV as I laid in bed and refused to get up. How embarrassing. Then I took a shower and went downstairs and had breakfast. This was my breakfast.



Also, DVD list update:

Pulp Fiction
The Big Lebowski
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Batman (with Adam West)
The Crow

...and I think some softcore Jenna Jameson porn.
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